Blindly yours

It's true. Love is blind. But i thought that meant being blind to the faults. The imperfections. That when you're in love, you merrily gloss over the drawbacks. But if that had been so, poeple who are in love, would never have had arguements. So then what does it mean? Love is blind? I think it means blindly falling for someone...knowing that it will be the most exquisite form of self destruction. Sometimes, even knowing..that that love is doomed to remain unrequitted. Probably even knowing..that your love will remain in a state of suspended animation. It won't ever have the direction it needs...because the one you are in love with, likes to see you hung. Pun intended.
   Love is blind perhaps because of the ease with which you turn a blind eye to the numerous sleepless nights and gloomy days and smile at the very thought of how beautifully the Maker has crafted your most priced possession. Love may also be blind because of the ready acceptance of the fact that you can only dream...and be contented only with your right to love. Love is blind not because you are blind to his flaws. Love is blind because you can see yourself go down with every breath...but instead of gasping for breath , you pride on a love unmatched...untouched...unloved..

Heaven's got a plan for you

I was listening to a song where the singer remembered how,during hard times, his father used to say to him 'dont you worry child, see heaven's got a plan for you' . It made me wonder if heaven really had a plan for him. If so, then heaven must have a plan for each one of us. Me too. Then again, if that's so, why do we look forward to it? If that plan is to be revealed only in future, what is it that we are living now? Isn't this part of that plan too?
   When i tell myself, that probably there's a plan for me too,is that a silent acceptance of a hidden unhappiness? A sort of unhappiness that hasn't robbed me of hope yet. Probably. But everytime life gets hard, and you close your eyes and tell yourself to bear it with patience, hoping for the plan to finally take shape, how can you be sure that it won't get worse?  I see bad plans around me all the time.  Are the failed lives of men, heaven's plan too? Or did someone above, miss them while making plans? Dying unhappy, living a life full of misery, losing a loved one, waiting all life in vain for love to come your way. I shudder at the very thought of somebody creating a blueprint of a how a mother is to lose her only child....or how an honest man is to hang for crimes he hasn't committed.  It's scary.
    Just then, i saw a life-torn, tired ,fruit vendor nearby, who could push his cart no longer or yell out his regular verbal jingle, to attract customers. His little boy who walked by his side, gave his hero a stare ...and after a pause, repeated the jingle with all his baby might and pushed the tattered cart. Though his tiny arms couldn't help much, it was enough to light up the worn out soul's face and make him push harder ...this time, with a slight upward curl on his lips.
     That is what made me wonder...if..probably, telling your loved ones about heaven having a plan for them, was like that little boy's jingle shriek . When I close my eyes and tell myself that heaven's got a plan for me, maybe that's that little boy's hands tring to move the cart! It doesn't make you less tired or more cheerful, with the flip of a switch, but sure does make you push the cart harder...each time..with a slightly upward curl on your lips. 

Born

I still remember how my hands trembled as i typed my first text to you . A journey only my heart and me traversed from then on....From trembling hands...to a trembling me....as your lips touched mine. Creeping into my thoughts every now and then...as if teasing me...challenging my patience to wait for love...making me impatient...to be loved..You didn't just touch me...you touched something within..your eyes didn't see me...they saw something within...i was beautiful.  I felt beautiful...Your being illuminated me from within.. ignited a fire that wanted to destroy everything that stood in our way. A fire that could keep us safe and away from the world...Everytime we touched, it was like adding fuel to it...making it burn brighter. That same old me, that same old house, the same old car...seemed new. Brand new. World seemed new and better. Then came surrender...the sweetest surrender there can be. My being to you. In every way love demanded. I knew that where i was taking four steps towards you, you were taking only one. That was enough to unleash forces within me which i never knew could exist. I stripped my soul naked in front of you...while you watched...You smiled..i stripped some more. You nodded in approval and i kept going. The more i bared my soul, the more beautiful you said i was...where i was shy...you took my hand and pulled me closer...looked into my eyes and said it was okay...It was okay to love...it was okay to bare...provided it was with you and you only...In those words i found my assurances. Assurances of you taking your baby steps towards me. I knew they were just one at a time, unlike mine but they were being taken.
  I kept moving further....falling further...loving further....until i turned to you one day..kept my head on your chest just like i love...only to find no heart beating. I tried listening harder. Nothing. I looked at you. You smiled...but this time it was different. Your arms hung loose. They weren't wrapped around me to keep me close anymore. No heart beating...no arms around me...i pulled away...searching for your beating heart. Your heart which you said wanted me. Wanted to be around me...Your heart that wanted to be close to me..I gave you a desperate glance of questioning eyes...You slowly crept up to me like a snake and hissed ..."it was never there"
You hissed...you laughed an evil laugh...while watching me frantically trying to gather back clothes on my soul...that stood bare for so long..You had said once that you had kept pieces of me under your pillow...I rushed to fetch them back on me. But all i found, were pieces of me scattered brutally all around. Trampled upon..torn...strewn like you never cared. I found myself trembling again. I trembled as you kept stinging me with your memories. Kept stinging me with memories of an illusion. Mocking me as i stood bare..laughing harder as i tried to
 wipe away your kiss from my soul..wipe away your memories  and you from whatever little of me was left with me...
    Helpless, i picked up the pieces of me from all around your beastly nest....and brought them together. Desperately trying to patch them together..to give me back to myself. Each time i tried to put a few pieces in order, you kicked them hard. Like evil kids kick dirt in people's eyes.
  I stopped. ..closed my eyes..eyes that once had dreamed...and now...which burned...burned from the running stream of heartache...burned from the dreams that now left nothing but fang marks..all over me...all over my eyes...Amidst a screaming silence..i stood there cold and alone ..breathing heavily..Then with immense strength i opened my eyes..Opened my eyes to look straight into you and your falsities. Your lies...your brutal eyes.  The same eyes that had once lit up my world.
    With the same fire your illusive love had ignited in my heart...that had wanted to protect our little world...that had wanted to glow brighter each time we would make love.....i dowsed the pieces of me. A bonfire of heartache of false promises of a love that never was....I watched me burn. I heard me cry. I burned till the break of dawn....i burned till i couldn't feel anything anymore...
   Then.....from my ashes....i rose...
A me shining brighter. Only this time, it wasn't a fire someone else ignited. It was a glow. The glow of a soul reborn. Of a healed heart. A glow....from the knowing of better things to come...a glow of a victor who has defeated death on the battlefield....A heavenly glow that gave me back a new me.